by Patrick Kane
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS SATIRE:
Washington DC– In the wake of the shut down of the Federal Government, DEA officials warn the public of the impending resurgence of illegal lemonade stands. Reports of children as young as five years old selling lemonade on street corners all across the country have been pouring in ever since the shut down of the federal government. Officials warn that, if gone unchecked, these stands will engulf every street corner in every suburb across the country.
Using children as underage laborers, these stands make hundreds of dollars every year in non taxable income. Illegal lemonade is, of course, an all cash business, making the flow of the money very difficult to trace. While authorities are unsure, it is estimated that over one thousand dollars of illegal lemonade were purchased in the last week alone, and that anywhere from 300-500 children in any given city are involved in the manufacturing and distribution of illegal lemonade.
FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg told reporters today that these illegal stands contribute to one of America’s most dangerous black markets, and that “immediate action must be taken to keep this scourge off the streets”.
“Not only do these illegal lemonade stands violate minimum wage laws, they violate child labor laws, and health codes as well. We don’t know what are in these toxic concoctions. There can be as much as 20 grams of sugar per cup, and this street lemonade is almost always made by children under ten years old in unsanitary conditions. There have even been reports of lemonades being sold in quantities over sixteen ounces.”
In a harrowing study commissioned by the DEA, researchers outline the structure of the underground lemonade market and study the unintended consequences of illegal street lemonade.
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